


A Simple Family Christmas (If Only)

by KeyWolf25888



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas, M/M, Non-Serum Steve Rogers/Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes | Shrinkyclinks, side peter/wade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-25 01:23:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17111792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeyWolf25888/pseuds/KeyWolf25888
Summary: All Steve wanted to do was have Christmas with his boyfriend. It was that simple.Why couldn't things work out the way he wanted?





	A Simple Family Christmas (If Only)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flightyrock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightyrock/gifts).



> Well this was fun to write - although it's only my third fic for this fandom, so forgive me if me characterisations are a bit off in places. I hope you enjoy it - part of me isn't entirely convinced it isn't a hot mess though, so there's that.
> 
> Happy holidays everyone ^_^

Steve sighed, flopping back onto his bed. It hurt a little, but what hurt more was the fact that he heard his phone fall to the floor as he did. It was already cracked; he couldn't afford for it to break any more.

He debated picking it up off the floor - it probably would have been a more sensible idea.

But if there was damage done to it already, looking at it wouldn't change it. (The idea of Schrodinger’s phone screen occurred to him - but it was too real to laugh at.)

He lay there for a few minutes. It was nice on his back, to just relax and stretch out muscles that had been tensed for the past few hours. Doing art was fun, but the less fun part came when he had to move. He knew that Sam would have told him off if he'd come back _again_ to find Steve hunched over his desk, and as much as he hated being told what to do, he could agree that it prooooobably wasn't good for him.

Still. He should get up. And check his messages.

A giddy happiness filled him at the idea of messages from his boyfriend.

Bucky had only been his boyfriend for a short amount of time, but he was already head over heels for the man. They'd met a while ago, when Steve had needed help with getting something down from a high shelf and Bucky (being a biiit stronger than Steve) had been able to help him out. It was pretty much the only time Steve had been grateful for his own inability to do something.

His phone began to buzz from its position on the threadbare carpet of his dorm. Well, if that wasn't a sign from the heavens that he should check his phone, he didn't know what was.

Grappling blindly, he tried to see if he could get to it without having to get up. It couldn't have fallen far, since it was on his bed before...

Aha! His fingers grasped the plastic casing of his phone (it was pretty and did almost nothing to protect his phone, but he loved it anyway, okay?) and it was so close to being his -

And then the sound of the room door opening made him jump. His balance, already precarious, was put completely off.

Despite being light as a feather, his weight was still enough to pull him over the edge of the bed, eyes wide and limbs flying everywhere.

He landed on the floor with a thump. It took a second for the pain to really kick in - but when it did, it made him wince. He was used to pain though. It didn't bother him all that much, not when he'd spent so much of his childhood in the hospital.

His groan was only drowned out by the sound of Sam rushing to his side to see if he was okay. “Steve? Steve, what’s up?” he sounded genuinely concerned.

“I’m fine,” he groaned, sitting up. (He ignored the way his back clicked as he did. It was probably nothing.) “Don’t worry about me.” It was what he said pretty much every time he did something that made Sam worry, and it honestly happened way too often.

“I’ll stop worrying when you stop making me worry,” Sam told him sternly as he helped Steve back onto his bed. His tone was long-suffering – and Steve couldn’t really blame him. He did inadvertently inflict his own problems onto Sam – not that his friend had ever really complained, but that didn’t stop him from feeling bad about it.

Steve slumped back onto the bed. “All I wanted was to get my phone,” he moaned. “Why does that have to be such a difficult thing to do?”

Sam barked out a laugh, dumping his schoolbag on his own bed. “You have the worst luck, Rogers, just accept it.”

“You say that like I haven’t already.”

They were lines they’d hashed out a long time ago, yet they were always still applicable.

Finally he got to pick up his phone and check his messages. He didn’t think that Bucky would have thought he was ignoring him, but he never knew.

Bucko [13 messages]

Time to see what his boyfriend had been trying to say to him.

Bucko [3:15]  
hey Steve

Bucko [3:15]  
Steve-o

Bucko [3:15]  
youll never guess what I found today

Bucko [3:16]  
[1 image attached]

Bucko [3:16]  
isnt he adorable

Bucko [3:17]  
what im trying to say is that youve been replaced

Bucko [3:17]  
hes my new bff

Bucko [3:17]  
im lov

Bucko [3:20]  
[1 image attached]

Bucko [3:22]  
be prepared for him to love you

Bucko [3:23]  
ill bring him round tomorrow

Bucko [3:25]  
[1 image attached]

Bucko [3:26]  
hes just got so much love to give

Steve smiled to himself. Bucky was always texting him cute things like this – it was one of the things that had brought them together in the first place.

More importantly, this was well worth falling of his bed for.

It took him longer than he would have liked to compose a reply – not because he didn’t know what to say, but because that selfie of Bucky with the puppy kept stealing his attention.

He could feel Sam’s eyes on him the entire time, and knew that he was basically providing free entertainment for his roommate. It was totally worth it though – Bucky was adorable and Steve wasn’t afraid to let the whole world know that he thought that.

When his coherent message of ‘!!!!!!!’ was sent, he brought up the picture to show to Sam.

“isn’t that the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen?”

Sam apprised the picture, then looked back at Steve. “I honestly can’t tell whether you’re talking about the dog or Bucky,” he chuckled.

Steve shrugged, grinning. “Why not both?”

“Yeah, that’s fair. You do love dogs, even if you’re allergic to them.”

“You know it.”

**

“So what are you doing for the holidays?”

Steve blinked. “Huh?” He sat up from where he had been resting his head on his arms to look at Peter.

Peter grinned back at him, used to Steve zoning out. “It’s December, have you not started to think about the Christmas break yet?”

Steve’s lecture-numbed mind struggled to process exactly what Peter was asking him. “I – I hadn’t really thought about it, no.” He scrubbed his face with his hand and yawned. “I’ve been so busy with that big art project I’ve barely had enough time to sleep, never mind plan anything a whole month away.”

“But it’s Christmas!” Peter exclaimed. “You have to have known what you want to do!”

Right, sometimes Steve forgot just how young Peter actually was. He might have been just as swamped with college work as the rest of them, he was three years younger and still lived with his aunt. His enthusiasm was mostly a product of his youth, Steve often thought - although he also wouldn't be surprised if it was enough energy to last him three lifetimes over.

It was sort of infectious - but Steve couldn't override his body's physicality. He couldn’t ignore the fact that he'd had five hours sleep the past two nights because he had essays for this class to finish that had rather taken a backseat for a while. (Sam had told him off for leaving them til the last minute, but since Steve had kept him up anyway for finishing them, he'd helped do some of the research).

"I dunno, I’ll have a think about it." He shrugged lethargically. "I’ll probably do what I always do - go to my mom's and have her stuff me full of turkey. What else is there to do?"

Peter looked at him, scandalized. "Really? You only have one person to go visit over the holidays?" He sounded so genuinely confused and upset that Steve wondered if he was about to organise his own holiday for him.

"Yeah, I guess." It sometimes sounded a little sad, but when all his friends went elsewhere, there was little other option. Besides, he loved getting to go home and visit his ma. Just because his body nor his schedule would allow him the time to go back home more often didn't mean he didn't love doing it with every fibre of his being.

Then Peter's face lit up, and Steve feared what was going to come next just a little bit (a lot of the time Peter's plans had reason to be feared). "What about your boyfriend?"

Steve frowned. "What about him?"

"Well I’m spending some of the holidays with Wade - could you not spend some of your time with him?" Peter's face was so earnest that Steve almost didn't hear the fact that Peter was going to be spending some of his holidays with wade.

In fact, that was what he focused on the most. "Wait, Wade? When did that happen?"

Immediately Peter's cheeks filled with red. Perhaps he hadn't meant to tell Steve that - he knew Steve’s stance on that guy. "You know he didn't mean for it to be weird - he just loves learning, okay, he didn't want to make things weird between us -"

Steve snorted. "Sure, if by 'weird' you mean coming into a class you're not signed up to and conning your way into getting a boyfriend five years younger than you."

Peter pouted. "I'm eighteen, I can date him if I want to," he said. It wasn't too serious - god knew they'd had plenty of those discussions over the past few months - and Steve had to concede that point at least. "And he didn't con me, he just... forgot to mention that he wasn't a student here."

"Yeah, okay Pete, you keep telling yourself that." Steve didn't mean it to be mean, but he also sort of meant it.

It wasn't until later, once class was over, that he remembered the other part of what Peter had said. What if he _did_ invite Bucky over at Christmas? It would be a good way to get him to meet Steve’s family, and for good reason too.

He filed the thought away for later. It was the sort of thing he’d want to ask in person, and he wasn’t going to see Bucky for another few days. He was off doing… well, Steve didn’t exactly know what his boyfriend got up to in his free time. He knew some of the details, but other times Bucky could be a little vague about what he was doing. It made Steve think that he was probably doing something he _shouldn’t_ , that was frowned upon, but certain members of society did anyway.

Putting those thoughts away in the back of his mind too, he focused on trying to get back to his dorm without slipping over. It was more difficult than you might think – there were patches of black ice all over the sidewalk, and while most of it had been gone by the time he walked to class, you could never be too careful when it came to safety. Steve would know, he was practically an expert in unfortunate accidents beyond your control.

(Sam usually offered to walk him home in the winter, but Steve usually felt bad making him be outside for longer than he needed to. They were both susceptible to the bitter chill that could only be staved off by staying inside, and Steve didn’t want to be responsible for ruining that for him.

In fact, the only time Steve allowed anyone to walk him home was when Bucky offered, and that was totally different, okay? His boyfriend walking him home was romantic. His roommate walking him home just made him feel like a little old lady. And he already had one of those three covered.)

But, with any luck, he wouldn’t have any serious accidents before Christmas. That would really put a kibosh on all his plans for the holiday. Well, only time would tell with this one.

**

Steve eyed up his boyfriend from across the room. He was back from wherever he’d been for the past few weeks, and the first time they’d been able to see each other was a group meetup with their newly-merged friendship group. It was a bit sad, really, but Bucky understood that as far as Steve was concerned, his college work had to come first most of the time. It wasn’t anything personal, but no matter how much Steve might wish the opposite, there was no rushing art.

And so here he sat, only sulking mildly, as he watched his boyfriend talk to everyone but him. (He wasn’t actually upset about it, Bucky was allowed to have other friends – but still. Here he sat, unkissed. That just seemed like a travesty.)

It wasn’t like he didn’t have other people to keep him company though. Bucky’s friend Natasha was sat to his right – not that he was going to strike up conversation with her unprompted though. She was nice enough every time they talked, but something about her screamed ‘leave me alone’. Steve had never been able to put his finger quite on why, but it seemed like striking up conversation with her would be rather unwelcome, no matter how hard he tried.

He and Natasha had come to an agreement soon enough though – they were both fine with sitting there in silence, not needing to speak. It was more comfortable than you might think, given that Steve was only slightly deathly afraid of the empty looks he sometimes saw in her eyes.

It was fine. This was fine. He definitely wasn’t feeling the urge to lean subtly away from her. No, Bucky knew and trusted her, and therefore so should he. That was a good enough reason, right?

He tried to keep as cool as possible while they sat there.

Still – he couldn’t deny that the moment Bucky came over to sit with him, he felt a little safer. He never really know what it was about having Bucky with him that made him feel better about Natasha, but he’d accepted that that was just the way he was going to feel about it.

“Having fun?” Steve could smell the beer on Bucky’s breath as he leaned in, coming close to leering at him. If he hadn’t known the man it might have been a little threatening – but as it was he just took the opportunity to peck the tip of his boyfriend’s nose.

“Yeah, we’re having fun.” Natasha answered for them, raising her glass at them and winking.

Steve nodded. “Exactly.”

Steve scooted along in his chair to get closer to Bucky. He didn’t care about whether Bucky was paying attention to him or not – he just wanted to be close to him. He also told himself that he didn’t care about how Natasha was looking at them weirdly – it was totally fine, she could do that.

The two of them talked over his head about… something, while Steve got lost in his thoughts. That was fine by him. He didn’t need to be specifically part of the conversation in order to feel included. Perhaps that wasn’t the best plan – it meant that he zoned out, until all the excitement started.

“Oh hey, look!” Sam exclaimed, pointing at the tv behind the bar. “It’s the Avengers!”

Bucky and Natasha’s heads immediately twisted round to look at the screen. There was no sound turned on, but there was clear coverage of an incident that had happened last week, with a question at the bottom: Should Avengers Be Held Accountable?

He hadn’t exactly followed the story so much as not even known it had happened, and he quickly lost interest in watching it. They mostly seemed to be showing all the Same clips anyway – there was only about 12 seconds worth of footage they were playing on repeat and in slow motion. After even a few watches, it became unbearable to look at.

Bucky didn’t seem to feel the Same way about it, his attention glued to that small screen. That was okay – and to be honest, it didn’t surprise him all that much. He’d definitely noticed how Bucky seemed to love any news of the Avengers, needing to watch all footage of whatever they did. Personally, Steve’s theory was admiration. The fact that sometimes Bucky disappeared at night didn’t escape him – and mostly he tried not to mind that there was a very good chance his boyfriend was one of the many low-level vigilantes that stalked the streets of New York at night, doing their best to keep petty crime down. It wasn’t the most glamourous of things, but Steve could admire it nonetheless.

Not that he never worried about Bucky’s safety (he was sure he’d seen injuries on him before), but if he’d been able to do the Same, he was sure he would.

Still – it wasn’t like Steve had to care that much about the Avengers though. Honestly they were all just too flashy with their fighting. Or at least, that was how Steve always saw it.

He sipped at his drink while the others discussed whatever was happening on the tv. He thought that it might sound like they were criticizing them – but most of what they said was so vague that he couldn’t really tell.

Natasha eventually left – suspiciously when the coverage of the Avengers finished. It was a little disheartening to know that that was the only thing she was sticking around for.

Somehow it was at this moment that he remembered the conversation he’d had with Peter the other day. He didn’t know whether Bucky would have any plans already for the holidays – but it was always worth asking, right?

“Hey, so… um, I was wondering…” Steve began. He hadn’t realized how awkward it was to bring up something like that out of the blue, and he struggled to find the words to vomit out. “Do you have anything going on at Christmas? Because I think it would be cool if you came home with me.”

Bucky looked a little taken aback at the fast pace Steve had flung the words at him. Or at least, that was how Steve was optimistically choosing to interpret his boyfriend’s expression. It was either that or he was trying to figure out how to let Steve down lightly.

“I… I don’t have any plans for Christmas, no…” Bucky said slowly. It made Steve a little more worried. Until Bucky began to smile, that was. “I’d love to spend Christmas with you.”

Steve breathed a sigh of relief. Naturally it was only now that he remembered the argument that he’d given Peter – that they hadn’t been together for long enough for them to spend a holiday like that together just yet. Bucky didn’t think that was the case though – and that in itself made Steve feel all warm inside. “Awesome.” He grinned, all worry forgotten. Or rather, stashed away for later.

“Any idea what the plan would be then?” Bucky asked.

“Uh – I hadn’t thought that far ahead, actually,” Steve admitted. “I didn’t actually think you’d say yes.”

Bucky quirked an eyebrow. “You asked me thinking I’d say no? So you don’t actually want me to come?” His tone was teasing, but his words were still worrying.

“No, no, that’s not it, I just…” Steve started off trying to genuinely defend himself, but trailed off when Bucky started laughing at him.

He pouted. Like an automatic reaction, Bucky put his arm round his shoulders, drawing him closer. “Aww, Stevie, I was only teasing,” he said, pretending like he often did like Steve was genuinely upset.

Despite the teasing, Steve still leant into Bucky’s side. May as well take the opportunity, right?

“Good.” He pretended to sound grumpy about it, even as Bucky began to stroke over his hair.

They stayed like that for a while, just enjoying one another’s company. Steve was glad that they at least got to do this now – especially since Bucky had been off doing his own thing earlier in the evening.

“For real, I’m grateful you asked.” He looked so much more serious than he had for the rest of the night. His eyes were soft, and the smile he was wearing was the one he brought out especially for Steve.

“You’re welcome.”

They shared a soft kiss. It didn’t matter that the sounds of the party were still going on around them – this could be a romantic moment if they wanted it to be.

They were going to be sharing their first major holiday together. That was a romantic move in itself.

Plus, this confirmed something about Bucky that Steve knew but only saw sometimes: his boyfriend was a big softy, even though he tried to hide it.

******

"I'm telling you, I really don't know." Peter grinned at him. "I don't know how I passed third grade math that early, but it happened.

Steve eyed him disbelievingly. "You're smart, but you're not that smart, surely?" Peter was a few grades ahead of his age - Steve had known that for a while - but that sounded like it was just going too far. It couldn't be possible.

"I don’t even really remember it happening - surely you don't expect me to know exactly how it went down." Peter looked totally innocent - yet Steve didn't totally buy it.

Shaking his head, he said, "sure, whatever you say."

He turned his attention back to the textbook in front of him. They were in the section of the library that allowed them to talk - but that didn't mean that they shouldn't be studying anyway.

Peter had actually looked like he sort of wanted to continue the conversation, but Steve didn't feel too bad for pausing it. He'd seen the expressions of those around them while they'd been talking, and they hadn't looked happy about it.

Steve managed to get through a whole two pages before Peter spoke again. "So Wade came into my class again yesterday."

He looked up. "Wait, really? What for?"

Peter was flushed slightly, and for a second Steve wondered if maybe this was something they shouldn't be talking about in a public place. He raised his eyebrows as he waited for Peter to answer.

"He said that he wanted to learn, which was the main reason he came that very first time, but... he sat right next to me, and we held hands the entire time. It was actually sort of romantic."

Steve tried not to boggle too openly. "That's... that's your idea of romantic?" Okay, so maybe he hadn't succeeded very much.

Fortunately Peter didn't seem too put down by Steve's response. "Well, yeah, we were together for the whole hour and we got to cuddle a little. What's not to like?" He looked like he totally believed every word that was coming out of his mouth.

Steve didn't have it in him to even attempt to burst his bubble, even if that sounded like the least romantic thing he could think of. (He took a mental note to tell Bucky to never try it.)

"From the way you talk about Wade, I wouldn't be surprised if he somehow made his way into this building," Steve chuckled. it went unsaid that it was only possible to get into the building with your student id - and as they had figured out at many points now, wade was not a student here.

Peter seemed to actually be considering this for a moment. "Yeah, you're right," he conceded eventually. "He probably could. I probably shouldn't tell him about this conversation, right?"

Steve nodded, "yeah, that would probably be for the best." Peter would almost certainly forget that and tell Wade everything. and that man had enough bad ideas in his head already.

Oh well, at least he could take comfort in the knowledge that his boyfriend would never do something as stupid as getting into the college library without any way of actually legally being in there.

So naturally, the next thing he saw was Bucky walking towards them.

Peter hadn't seen him yet, since he was behind him - but Steve was sure he could see the shocked expression on his own face here, and that was probably enough. "Steve? What's...?"

He only got that far through his question by the time Bucky reached them (he had very long legs, okay?).

It only properly occurred to Steve that Bucky and Peter hadn't met yet - things had just never worked out right, and Peter was more just his friend than part of their friendship group. Well, this would be a good opportunity to get that out of the way.

For a second though, Steve forgot about all of that.

Bucky had arrived and was leaning down for a kiss, and who was Steve to deny him that?

The kiss was enough to make Steve almost completely forget where he was - Bucky just had that effect on him. "Hey there..." he murmured against Bucky's lips. There was nothing in him but happiness that his boyfriend was here...

At least, until Bucky pulled back, giving him that cheeky grin of his. "Hi."

Oh. Right. They were in the middle of the library. probably best to not be doing that right now. Ugh, his traitorous skin again. He pressed his hands against his cheeks out of habit, feeling the heat in them from the blood that had filled him - and then flinched as Bucky overlaid Steve's hands with his own. As usual, one hand was harder than the other - some weird nerve damage (Steve had never been brave enough to ask for any more details about what had caused it - it was probably traumatic). Steve didn't mind though.

Bucky went to take the seat next to him, and Steve turned back to face Peter - who was staring at both of them with wide, wild eyes.

Steve couldn't image why that would be the case - was seeing them kiss really that strange? - but as the other man looked between them, Steve realised what he was probably worried about.

He glanced at Bucky - Bucky, who shouldn’t have been here. since he wasn't a student. Actually, Bucky kinda looked like he was glaring at Peter. Did they know each other already, maybe? "I know what's going on..." Steve said with a long-suffering sigh.

The two of them snapped towards him like they were dogs and he'd just said 'walkies'. "You - you do?" Bucky gulped. His voice wavered as he spoke.

Steve snorted. "Do you really think I’d be that mad at you for getting in here when you're not meant to? I’ll save that for later, don't worry." Then he looked at Peter, who looked desperately between the two of them as though he was hoping something would happen. Or wouldn't happen? Steve couldn't be sure. "And Pete - I know we literally just talked about how Bucky would never do something like turning up here, but in my defence, this man is constantly surprising me. Oh, right - yeah, this is Bucky," he added as an afterthought, realising that he hadn't actually got around to clarifying that.

Peter nodded. Somehow he looked even more scared now, and Steve didn't know how that was possible. "Nice to meet you, sir -uh - Bucky -"

"What's wrong, Pete? He won't bite, I promise!" Steve had a chuckle to himself about what was going on in front of him. To be fair, Peter was younger than him, and Bucky was a few years older, so it made sense that Peter might be a little spooked.

Especially since Bucky was still glaring at the kid, what the fuck. he elbowed him in the side to try to get him to stop. "Quit it, be nice," he hissed. Peter probably saw him do it, but he didn't care.

Bucky immediate changed to pouting. "But baaabe," he whined. It was a complete 360 - and much more like the Bucky he knew and loved. He never liked it when Bucky went all dark and brooding.

"No buts," he said, tapping Bucky's nose to make his point.

When he turned back to Peter (and his books, but let’s face it, he wasn't getting back to them any time soon) the other seemed a lot more comfortable. Probably because he wasn't getting glared at any more. "So... uuuh... I’ve heard a lot about you - it almost feels like I know you already," Peter said. It almost looked like he had the hints of a smirk on his face - but that would make no sense, since they literally had only just met. Unless he meant that time when Steve accidentally made a comment about the size of Bucky's dick to him and didn't shut up about how traumatised he was for a full week, in which case he was dead.

In response, Bucky... well, he didn't actually seem all that surprised by this development. That was weird. "Yes, well, I’ve heard almost nothing about you." His voice was colder than Steve thought it should have been - it almost sounded like he was trying to intimidate the kid? Which, not cool.

Besides, that wasn't really true, either. "No, I told you about him before. Remember, the kid, who's super smart and younger than us?" He'd definitely mentioned it, he remembered doing it.

Bucky cocked his head to the side, as though he was contemplating something. "Nope, don't know him," he concluded. "Must not have been important enough to remember."

Peter seemed weirdly offended by this. "Not cool. I’m very memorable and you know it."

Steve felt like a spectator in a sport he only half knew the rules of. Like badminton. Who knows the rules of badminton, other than hitting the shuttlecock and then sniggering at its name?

"Be nice, guys," he settled with. there, it made it sound like he was in control, and that was the way it should be.

Besides, both of them knew that he'd throw hands if their little argument got too big.

"I’m never not nice," Bucky said, turning to him. It was the sort of thing that would usually be accompanied by puppy dog eyes to cement the point, but for some reason this time it wasn't. Probably because of Peter watching them like a hawk from across the table.

"True, but not right now,” Steve snorted. “Leave my friends alone.” He never thought he’d have to tell his boyfriend that, but there it was.

He tried to turn back to doing his work - he had an essay due soon and he needed to know all this dumb history stuff in order to even begin to plan it.

Not long after, he began to hear muffled whispering. Looking up, it looked as though... Peter was trying to get Bucky's attention? The many balled up pieces of paper were a dead giveaway really - how would Steve not have noticed that commotion going on?

"I’m not doing anything!" Peter said as soon as he noticed that Steve had clocked him. He pointed at Bucky. "He started it!"

Bucky glared at Peter, before turning innocent eyes on Steve. "That's not true! Who are you going to believe, him or me?"

"You're both children," Steve told them. (Maybe he was being slightly hypocritical right now - he and Peter had spent their last lecture together doing the same thing. but that wasn't the point.)

"Aha! He says you're a child," Peter said gleefully. Perhaps a little too gleefully.

Steve caught the tail end of Bucky giving Peter what seemed to be a 'what the fuck are you doing' look. That was weird.

"Are you sure you two don't know each other already?" Steve asked suspiciously. They sure were acting like it.

Both of them instantly sobered up. Peter turned his most innocent eyes on him, and Bucky tried to look as serious as possible. "Of course? Why would we lie to you about something like that?" He laughed in a carefree manner - but it somehow sounded too crafted.

Hmm. Still as suspicious. Maybe they knew each other from something embarrassing? Had they known each other as children or something? Did they have dirt on each other?

Well, if it was something like that no doubt Bucky would tell him what it was eventually. It was bound to happen.

He nodded slowly. "Okay, if you say so."

Bucky looked almost relieved to hear it. Steve might have explored that a little more - but then he was distracted in the next moment.

"Hey, so I did come here for a reason, you know."

Steve perked up. "You did? You mean you didn't just feel like breaking in here for fun?" He didn't mention the fact that he was pretty sure that Bucky knew how to do this stuff from his vigilanteing. that would have been too big a topic to broach in the middle of the library - and Peter was too young and innocent to be thinking of stuff like that.

Bucky nodded. "Yeah, I thought we could go for a walk for a bit. You've been studying pretty much all day."

Steve sighed. "Buck, I appreciate the thought, but I really do have to get on with my studying - you know how much my gpa means to me, and -"

"I know, I know." Bucky interrupted him. "That's why it's just a break. I’m not asking you to stop for the day, just for a bit of it." He gave Steve his most winning smile - and Steve just couldn't resist.

“I’ll see you later Pete,” Steve said, beginning to pack his things away.

Peter frowned. “Really? You’re leaving me here, all by myself?” The manipulation was clear in his tone, and Steve rolled his eyes.

“You’re a big boy, you can be in the library by himself for a bit. You can even wait for me if you want, but I don’t know how long I’ll be.” Steve gave him the best consolation he could bring himself to give.

Peter sighed dramatically. “I guess that’s fine. I’ll probably go back to my dorm for a bit though. I’m feeling peckish – I wish they’d let us eat in here.”

Steve snorted. “Pete, do you even have the money for snacks? I thought you said the other day that you were broke?”

“I was, but Wade bought me like 10 bags of salted peanuts the other day when I told him I was hungry, so I have those now,” Peter explained.

“That… that sounds a little excessive,” Steve said slowly. “But okay.”

Peter nodded like nothing was weird. “Exactly.”

“Well we’ll see you later,” Bucky said, giving Peter one last parting glare. It was still just as weird, but maybe this would just be the start of them having some sort of rivalry.

As Steve left the library with Bucky’s arm around him, he tried to put this whole weird experience behind him. Honestly he hoped there wouldn’t be any rivalry between them – it would make things more difficult than they needed to be around Christmas.

******

“So, uh… you know how I told you about Bucky?”

“Yes?” His mom sounded so hopeful that it made Steve feel bad for not talking to her more. He usually only called once a week – not because he didn’t keep in contact with her, but because their schedules (again) rarely lined up in a helpful way. His mom was a nurse, and often took the night shifts now that she didn’t have to be at home for Steve’s sake. It did mean that she was mostly awake while he was asleep, and it left them having to have a specific time they set aside to call one another.

“Well I sort of asked him if he wanted to spend Christmas day with us? I hope that’s okay – I know we usually do it just us, but I thought it would be good to invite him…?” Steve was suddenly nervous. They were used to having Christmas day just the two of them, and it would be a big change to bring in a third party.

His mom chuckled down the line. “Calm down, sweetie,” she said. “Of course that’s fine, you bring that boy round.”

Steve breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks, ma.”

“No need to thank me – I’ve been wanting to ask if I could meet him for a while now. Really I’m the one winning here.”

They both laughed.

“So what day should I come down? Does it matter? I finish on the eighteenth, but I’m not sure if it’ll be possible for me to come down on that day.”

They went on to have a conversation just catching up and deciding all the things they’d do together while Steve was home. Perhaps they talked about more things than they’d be able to actually fit in that short time, but it was fun to talk about.

This was going to be Steve’s best Christmas yet, he just knew it.

******

Steve was always glad for the fact that his boyfriend had a flat of his own. It was good to be able to get somewhere that wasn’t a room shared intimately with another friend. Sure, that friend was Sam, but even they could get a little sick of another after a while.

As Bucky opened his door, he flourished an arm towards the apartment behind him as though to show it off. “Come in, come in.”

Steve laughed. “I feel so welcomed,” he joked, stepping inside and kicking off his shoes. He didn’t have to – but he liked to not bother having shoes on at all, they were uncomfortable.

The apartment was small, but it was still bigger than the one room he had to himself at his dorm. Sighing, he made a beeline for the couch that sat dominating the main room of the apartment.

(A small amount of curiosity rose up in him as it always did walking through to the main room. They’d never really talked about it, but there was a door which always remained locked in the apartment, and Steve had never been inside it. He’d never wanted to ask, and Bucky had never offered an explanation. Nevertheless, he couldn’t help but wonder what was in there – he knew it wasn’t Bucky’s bedroom (Steve had been in _that_ room often enough), and it was a total mystery.)

“So I was thinking either I could cook or we could get takeout,” Bucky said. “I was going to just cook anyway, but then I didn’t have time to go shopping, and I don’t really have enough in to make anything properly, good, soooo…” he sounded sheepish, and Steve laughed.

“You say that like I’m going to judge you,” he said. “We can get takeout, I don’t mind.” He pulled his feet up onto the couch and leaned into Bucky’s side. “Just so long as we can stay comfortable, that’s all I mind.”

Bucky’s face fell into relief. “Thank god,” he chuckled. “Shall I just order us pizza? The usual?”

When Steve nodded his agreement, Bucky set off towards the kitchen. Well, they called it a kitchen out of lack of anything else to call it, but it was really too small to properly hold the title of kitchen. If you were to cook in there… well, let’s just say it was impossible to fit the two of them in there comfortably, that’s all.

Bucky made his way back, and Steve properly curled himself right into Bucky this time. Sometimes he minded being much smaller than his boyfriend, but these were not those times – it made it easier for both of them to get comfortable, and it was one of his favourite places to be.

"How have you been today?" Steve asked. It was a pretty standard question between them - the answer was just as often 'not good' as it was 'I'm fine'.

Bucky shrugged. "Average, I'd say. I spent most of it looking forward to now, to be honest."

The honesty made Steve smile. Not that he would enjoy admitting to his own feelings in public, when there were other people around to see it. "Me too." Okay, maybe he wasn't as good at it as he once was.

"What else did you get up to though? You had class, right?" Bucky asked. His boyfriend should have known his schedule by now, probably, but Steve always found it a little adorable when he forgot which ones he'd had.

Steve nodded. **“** Yeah, I had my art class, as well as history… kinda boring, especially since people are tired and ready for Christmas.”

"That doesn’t surprise me,” Bucky chuckled. “How’s that big art project going?"

Steve immediately jumped into an excited explanation of the troubles he’d been having. “You wouldn’t believe how hard it was for me to find just the right shade of brown! And the trees just did not want to form at all – and I don’t even know why because I’ve never had that problem before.”

Steve continued to tell Bucky about the irritation he’d had with his damn project. His boyfriend seemed mostly interested – although he’d admitted before that sometimes he didn’t really know exactly what Steve was talking about when he talked about his art.

When the doorbell buzzed, Steve perked up, interrupting his own explanation of how Peter had met wade. (Bucky had been completely disbelieving, which was just about the reaction Steve had expected.)

Bucky went to collect it and pay, and in the meantime Steve’s contribution was moving so that he took up slightly less room on the couch.

For a while after the pizza arrived, there was only silence. Steve hadn’t even known that he was that hungry until he began to dig in, but the both of them gorged themselves equally.

It was when Steve began to get a little full (he’d eaten about a quarter of his pizza) that he remembered something important he needed to tell Bucky.

“I told my ma about Christmas, and she’s really excited to meet you,” Steve told Bucky animatedly.  

Bucky looked actually surprised. “Really?” he asked hesitantly, as though he was suspicious about whether Steve was telling the truth.

“Well yeah, I’ve told her so much about you. Why wouldn’t she want to meet you?” Steve grinned. “It’s going to be so good.”

“I hope so.” Bucky didn’t sound entirely convinced, but not to a worrying extent.

Steve nodded. “You’re going to be so smothered by her that you’re totally sick of her by the time you leave,” he said seriously.

“I’m already looking forward to it.” Bucky grinned, looking more upbeat about it.

Steve shook his head fondly. “You have no idea what’s going to hit you.”

Then the atmosphere began to thicken. Steve didn’t know if it was something that he’d done, but Bucky looked down at the table for a moment, like he was trying to word whatever it was he wanted to say.

"Hey so..." Bucky bit his lip. What could he possibly be trying to say that would make him nervous, Steve wondered.

"Yeah?"

"I know we talked about it last week, but I really am grateful that you invited me over for Christmas. It… it really means a lot.” He looked up at Steve with honest, wide eyes, and it was that that hit home for Steve how serious he was being about this.

“Really?” Steve could feel his heart melting in his chest as he watched Bucky get flustered.

Bucky nodded. “I know I didn’t mention it before, but… the reason I’m free during the holidays is because I don’t have any family.” He looked downwards again, beginning to tap his fingers along the tabletop.

Steve had frozen at those words. It had barely processed in his brain. “You – oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t…” he reached out to hold Bucky’s hand.

The second his own hand came into contact with Bucky’s, Bucky gripped it tightly. "It’s okay." He gave Steve a tense smile. "They died a long time ago. I... Well, I'm as over it as I'll ever be."

"Still... I don't want to encroach if you don't want to..." Steve was sure that it was obvious that he didn't know what to say. "I knew you hadn't mentioned your family much, but I just guessed you maybe didn't talk to them much, I would never have presumed..."

Bucky smiled. "Really Steve, it's okay." It seemed a little more genuine now, not as forced.

"Are you sure?" He was still a little sceptical that Bucky was actually okay. It wasn’t like he didn't know what it was like to lose a family member.

Bucky nodded. "I'm sure. I'm looking forward to spending Christmas with you." That reassurance, coupled with the squeeze of his hand that Bucky gave him, made Steve feel much better about it.

“Okay, but you have to let me know if that changes. Christmas is only two weeks away, so if you do need to back out, that’s okay. I’ll understand.” Steve tried to sound as non-judgemental as possible. He didn’t want to make Bucky actually think that he wanted him to not come after all – that would be the definition of counter-productive.

“I won’t,” Bucky said firmly. “I promise. No matter what happens, I’ll be coming to that dinner.” His tone seemed a little intense for sharing Christmas dinner with Steve’s family, but it wasn’t exactly unwelcome either.

Steve realised a second too late that he was actually blushing – damn his pale Irish skin. His emotions belonged locked up in his chest where only a few people would be allowed the key, not on his face for the whole restaurant to see.

Bucky seemed to see it a different way though. “Aww Stevie, you’re so cute,” he cooed, reaching over to pinch Steve’s reddened cheeks. Steve slapped his hand away, but it was only half hearted and he knew it.

“I just wanted to do something nice for you,” he grumbled, “I didn’t sign up for this.”

“Nonsense, you signed up for it when you agreed to go out with me,” Bucky said, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “You can’t escape it now.”

“Yeah, yeah, see if I don’t take the offer back,” Steve threatened half-heartedly.

Bucky only laughed. To be fair, he knew just how unlikely it was for Steve to take any of it back. They were far too attached to one another.

**

Steve watched as Sam packed the last t-shirt into his duffel bag and zipped it up. "Right, I think I’m ready to go," he said, surveying their room. or rather, his side of it. Well, no, both sides - they'd found that their things tended to get scattered across both sides no matter how hard they tried, so they'd mostly given up. Steve was sure that a good amount of his socks were under Sam’s bed, but he'd never plucked up the courage to look and find out.

"You sure, man? If you don't, you're fucked." Steve took great pleasure in the displeased look Sam shot him after that.

Then he shook his head. "Yeah, I’m sure. The only things I really need are my phone and my laptop. Pretty much everything else I have a spare of at home, or I could buy."

"True. You'd better get going then - don't want to miss that train." Steve didn't envy Sam’s long journey down to dc - all he had to do was navigate the metro at Christmastime, and that in itself was daunting enough.

Sam gave him a quick, manly hug-slash-pat-on-the-back combo that he seemed to favour nowadays, before slinging his bag over his shoulder. "See you after the holidays then."

"Yeah, see you."

As Sam’s tail end disappeared out the door, Steve’s attention turned to his own packing, which was strewn over his bed. He didn't know why he was stressing over this so much - if he forgot anything, it wasn't like he couldn't just waltz back up here quickly and grab it.

(Okay, so maybe he knew exactly why he was more nervous this year. This year Bucky was going to be with them - for multiple days, may he add. They'd not been together for long enough for them to be at the 'loungewear' stage, which was Steve’s usual apparel of choice while at home. He couldn't really get away with his overly casual aesthetic when he wanted to make a good impression, not scare him away forever.

So, he had to make sure he had everything that he needed - and naturally, couldn't for the life of him remember which clothes he had at home. Had he brought all his good stuff? Or did he leave a few things at home? Would the few things at home even give him enough options? He just had no idea.)

On a whim, he decided to just bring a few fancy things with him anyway. It couldn't hurt, right? (Okay, it would literally hurt to be carrying a heavy bag around, but that wasn't the point here.)

Once that was decided, the rest of his packing went surprisingly smoothly. There wasn't much else that needed deciding on (aside from which pencils he absolutely needed, and which he could get on without for two weeks) and after half an hour of rearranging everything so that it fitted nicely, he picked up his phone to text his mom and tell her that he was going to be leaving in a minute. Not that it would matter, since she'd be at work anyway, but still.

Actually that was a good point - did he have the keys to his mom's apartment with him? He thought he'd packed them last night just in case, but he might have dreamt it.

He checked every bag pocket – naturally, they were in the last one he checked. Still, it was good he had them – that way he could let himself in and start helping himself to his mom’s food.

Aah, the advantages of being at home for the holidays.

Picking up his bag, and checking that he had his phone, he set off. It was only the start, of course, to the best Christmas ever.

******

Steve checked his phone for the fifth time that morning. Yep, his last message from Bucky was still there, from two days ago. _hey Stevie, I’m not going to be able to make it there tomorrow. I promise I’ll be there on Christmas though!_

He sighed. even when he'd sent messages asking him if he was okay, he'd received no response since then. It was a little depressing. To know that there was something Bucky was keeping from him, at least for now... well, it made him feel a little uncomfortable.

"Stevie, I need your help in the kitchen!" His mom called through.

Jumping up off the couch, he put his phone back in his pocket. Bucky would turn up eventually, he told himself firmly. His boyfriend wouldn’t break his promises just like that. It wasn't possible.

"What's up?" He asked as he got into the kitchen.

The first thing he saw was a countertop piled high with pots, pans, and dishes of various kinds. It wasn’t entirely unusual for his mom to cook more than necessary so they could have leftovers the next day, but even this was a little excessive.

“Ma…” His first word came out as a chuckle. “I don’t think I can eat all that…”

Ignoring his misgivings, his mom passed him a large bowl of peeled potatoes. "Don’t worry about that - I need you to roll these around." She patted his shoulder.

"Why do I have to do the manual labour here?" He pouted, moving to put the bowl on the countertop. "You know I’m not strong." He made the most feeble attempt possible at trying to fluff the potatoes up just to prove his point.

His mom laughed. "Well I could have asked Bucky if he'd do it if he was here yet."

Steve flushed. "Yeah, I’m sorry about that, he hasn't messaged me yet."

"It's no worry," his mom smiled. "I’m sure he'll turn up eventually. But you're here to help me in the meantime, right?"

Steve snorted. "I'll do my best."

Then, while he was working at the potato, he added, "he'll be here, for sure."

His mom turned from the turkey to look at him. "I’m sure he will, sweetie." Her voice was soothing - the one he knew she put on whenever she wanted him to be calm. It wasn't calming, not when it meant she might not believe him.

"He's never broken a promise before. I’m sure he won't start now." Steve stated.

"Of course."

In his heart, Steve didn't know whether he was trying to convince her or himself. It was probably both.

The potatoes were partway mashed when the urge to check his phone again just in case grew too strong. Putting the masher down, he wiped the flecks of potato on his hands onto his jeans, and fished out his phone from his pocket.

Nope, no new messages. One from Sam, which he'd reply to later - but nothing from Bucky.

Hesitantly, Steve brought up their conversation. He'd sent Bucky two messages yesterday, which according to his read receipts hadn't been seen. Still, he felt like he should send another one. Maybe he'd just... slept in, and was rushing to get ready right this moment. That had legitimately happened once, and Steve hadn't let him live it down yet.

_hey babe, are you ready to come here yet? me and ma are waitiiiiiiing :)_

He added the smiley as an afterthought, just to undercut what could be seen as a nagging message. Hopefully it wouldn’t be, but you never know.

Okay, now he could put his phone away. He definitely wasn't going to have that worry in the back of his mind until the next time he checked his phone. definitely not.

Helping to prepare the food did sort of take his mind off it a little. At least it was something to do, other than sitting and watching for messages to come in.

Still - everything was just about ready, and Bucky still hadn't arrived.

"Any news?" His mom asked with a smile.

Checking his phone, Steve had to ruefully shake his head. "Nope."

His mom nodded. "Okay, that's fine." She still sounded just as calm as she had done all day, and Steve didn't know how. He was Bucky’s boyfriend, and even he was beginning to get slightly irritated. The rationality that had stuck with him all morning was beginning to fade, and that was never good.

And this wasn't even a problem he could just punch away. Those were so much easier, even if they did end up with him being bruised and sore. That was easily solved with ice and a good tv show to take his mind off it - but pains of the heart weren't as easy to forget about.

Then he noticed what his mom was actually doing. Dishes were being put away into the fridge and the freezer, the food they cooked all morning clearly being saved for later.

"Hey - mom, you don't need to, I don't think Bucky would mind if we ate without him." Steve said, a strain of frustration seeping into his tone.

His mom shook her head. "Nonsense," she said matter of factly. " I promised I’ll feed him, and I’ll do just that. You go sit down, I won't be a moment."

“Are you sure ma? I can help –“ Steve protested.

“No, no, go on through. I’ll not be long.” His mom shooed him along, and well, maybe just for today he could give in. After all, it was Christmas, and it shouldn’t take too long.

Walking through to the lounge, he found himself wandering over to the window. It was a bright day out (although that might have been the reflection off the snow and ice on the ground) and despite the harsh weather, there were plenty of people bustling about down there.

No sign of Bucky though.

That was just painful, and so he went to sit down, as per his mom’s instructions.

Turning on the tv, Steve guiltily listened to the clinking of bowls holding their cooked food into the fridge.

Okay, so maybe he couldn’t resist checking his phone another time.

He began to refresh every messaging app he had, just in case Bucky had lost his phone and needed to message him through someone else’s account. Nope, nothing that looked like it was from Bucky. But there had to be a good reason for him doing this, eight? Because the other option was that Bucky was ghosting him, and that was unthinkable.

Then, just because he was feeling petty, he opened his messages with Sam.

Steve  
Bucky still isn’t here :( :(

The only thing that was capable of lifting his attention from that was the sounds of fighting on the tv. It was a familiar one – there was more coverage than Steve liked of the Avengers recently.

Why had his mom even had the tv on the news anyway? This wasn’t what they needed on Christmas day.

He picked up the remote, primed to change the channel, when he noticed that the figures on screen were in New York. “Seriously?” He muttered to himself. “It’s been like two months, could they not have stayed away for longer?”

It wasn’t that he resented the involvement of the Avengers in world affairs, especially when it came to the supernatural. But why did so much of it have to happen in his city? It would seem unrealistic if it wasn’t real.

He watched in mild, unsurprised horror as buildings were smashed, aliens were shot, and general destruction was waged. It was so frustrating.

The cameras seemed to be panning to whichever of the Avengers happened to be within shot at that point.

“…and it looks like the black widow is down! We aren’t sure exactly what happened here, people, but it would seem that she has been shot by one of the hostiles.” Steve watched, mostly disinterested, as the camera attempted to zoom in some more on a grainy shot of a woman in black lying on the ground. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about their lives, but since pretty much every time the Avengers fought someone, nobody ever died, it didn’t feel like there was any real weight to any of their actions here.

Then the angle of the shot changed, to a different camera with a better view. Now that the picture was clearer, Steve found himself snorting. The woman was lying face down, only the back of her head visible. The part of that which was funny was that Natasha had the same haircut. Maybe she’d copied it off this woman – it struck him as something she’d do.

“And what do we have here? With the aliens closing in on the downed Black Widow, The Winter Soldier has come to protect her! The winter soldier is the newest addition to the Avengers team…” Steve tuned out the spiel that the commentator proceeded to give. Yeah, yeah, everyone knew the story, he’d been found in a hydra camp by accident and been rescued (but not before injuring half the team sent to bring him in), and then decided the best way to use his talents for good and joined the Avengers. It was a good story, but that was all the public knew. It sort of made Steve not care all that much about what happened to him – as far as every news story cared, he was basically just another person with a gun. Admittedly, he was very good with it, but it wasn’t like they didn’t have other people very good at shooting on their dumb team. (Whaaaaat, Steve wasn’t jealous that he couldn’t join in with that kind of fighting. It was way too dangerous. And cool. Okay, so maybe sometimes he did sort of wish he had the chance to be part of something like that. But that wasn’t the point.)

The cameras continued to jump around between team members. As far as Steve could tell with his inexperienced eye, the fight looked to be going well. More importantly, it was contained – he didn’t fancy having his Christmas ruined.

At least the shot of Spiderman was funny – there was something about the way he swung about the city that seem too absurd not to laugh at to him. At least, it might have been more amusing if he hadn’t been fighting aliens and in genuine danger of death.

He spared a sudden thought for the fact that it meant that the Avengers’ Christmases were almost certainly ruined. It would probably be a shame for their families, but then, what was the other option? Not saving the world, and having it be the worst Christmas ever for everyone everywhere?

Yeah, Steve would take having a couple people’s Christmases being a bit shitty if it meant the world didn’t end today.

It took a surprising amount of time for the cameras to pan back to black widow and the winter soldier. Steve was just beginning to wonder if maybe it was just the news station doing a bad job (it wasn’t like it would be the first time – looking at you, fox news) when things changed drastically.

The commentary had stopped entirely – a strange occurrence for something that so _clearly_ needed narrating. Well, actually, that would normally be Steve’s thoughts on that, but he couldn’t tell what was going on – it was clearly the wrong camera angle, their actions obscured.

Confusion seemed to be all around – until finally, things changed.

Everything seemed to happen at once.

A change of camera angles brought the scene into focus, making it clear that Black Widow was down with her injuries – and that the winter soldier had removed his mask as he comforted her. His face was only partially visible, and Steve found himself uninterested in it.

The commentary resumed. “Rumour has it that the identity of The Winter Soldier has been revealed as he removed his mask earlier this afternoon. James Buchanan Barnes, former soldier and prisoner of war…”

Steve felt a jolt shift through his body as he heard that name. That familiar name. his breathing became fast, laboured. His heart pounded, his vision going spotty.

He still had enough vision to keep his eyes on the picture on screen. He didn’t want to believe it. If he saw the winter soldier and it wasn’t Bucky, it didn’t have to be true…

The figure onscreen didn’t even seem to be aware that he was being filmed. Mostly he was shooting aliens and talking, presumably through a headpiece. He turned this way and that. The camera wasn’t able to get a good shot of his face.

Until it was.

Dead on. Steve scrambled for the remote.

Pausing the broadcast, Steve stared numbly at his boyfriend’s face on the screen. It was distorted by bad picture quality and by the rage of battle, but it was undeniably him.

Naturally, his mom chose that moment to walk into the room.

“Steve, honey, what’s…”

He’d almost forgotten about Christmas, that today was supposed to be a wonderful day. His mom had stopped short when she saw him gaping at the tv, placing a hand on his arm. “Is everything okay?” She glanced towards tv, the image of Bucky’s face still frozen there. “Who’s that?”

“Bucky….” Steve didn’t have the words to explain any further.

“What about Bucky, sweetheart? Is he not coming?” His mom sounded so confused, and he felt bad that he didn’t know how to explain the mess that had become his life in the past five minutes.

“I… I don’t think he is.” Momentarily, Steve buried his head in his hands. He sighed. “What do I do,” he muttered to himself.

His mom placed a hand on his shoulder. “What’s happened? Is everything okay?” She sounded more worried now, and Steve did his best to sit up properly again.

He pointed one trembling finger at the screen. “That’s him. I don’t know how, or why, but that’s him.”

His mom gasped a little – only quietly, but that was enough to make Steve feel even worse than he already did. “Are – are you sure?”

Steve could only nod.

For a minute they sat there, looking at the picture still frozen on the screen. Steve had no idea what to think – his mind was still stuck on the fact that that was his boyfriend. An Avenger.

Then his mom put a strong, comforting hand on his shoulder. “We can’t judge until we’ve talked to him about it,” she said. “We just have to wait.”

That was a good point – although it didn’t stop Steve from burning with curiosity and betrayal.

The day seemed to stall at that point. Steve didn’t really feel capable of feeling the passage of time for a while – he didn’t know how long he sat there, stunned, but he knew it was longer than he’d have liked. His mom didn’t disturb him much – she was shocked, like he was, but had no reason to be as moved as he was.

And then he was pulled out of his stupor.

A knock at the door. Then the doorbell rang. Clearly someone was desperate to get in.

On legs that still felt like jello mixed with hay, Steve ambled over to the front door. Normally they wouldn’t have answered the door on Christmas day, but the day had already been ruined.

The moment he opened the door, the person on the other side pushed past him.

“Hey Stevie.” Bucky kissed his cheek on his way past. “Sorry I was late! I got your messages, but I was running so late that I didn’t have time to answer them. I slept in late by accident – I couldn’t sleep last night and I guess my body just needed to make up for it.”

Bucky put his coat on the coat rack, and seemed to only then take in what was going on around him.

“Is everything… okay?” He sounded unsure, and no wonder.

Steve’s mom practically had to pick up her jaw from the floor before she could speak. “Bucky, Steve says that you’re…”

She turned pleading eyes on Steve – a first in all the time he could remember. His mom was always the most articulate, able to find the words for any situation. It spoke volumes as to how much of an odd situation this was for them, aside from everything else.

Steve had to take a minute to collect his thoughts from the scattered, confused corners of his mind before he could summon the right words.

Bucky’s smile remained in place the whole time. He looked bemused, more than anything, like he was watching something funny but was slightly baffled by it. Steve was sure that he had no idea about any of what had gone on in the past hour, even with all the talk about it on every social media site Steve had an account on.

A surge of rage swelled up inside him. It was a familiar emotion, and one that he would normally have given into without a second thought, but this time he did think. The anger was only half directed at Bucky really – part of it was directed at the minimal details of what had happened to his boyfriend, at the situations he’d been forced to partake in.

Right now though, the only thing tempering the part of his anger that was still directed at Bucky was the knowledge that Bucky had clearly had no choice in concealing his identity.

“Bucky – everyone knows.”

Bucky’s expression quickly turned into a frown. “Knows what?” As far as Steve could tell, he hadn’t put two and two together just yet.

He opened his mouth to say something less cryptic – and closed it again.

Bucky had let out a wordless shout, his entire face crumpling.

Then he fell to his knees, and began to sob.

Steve’s anger began to ebb slightly. This was not a man who was pleased about the situation, which should have made him more angry, that he was unhappy that his boyfriend knew who he was. But it didn’t – the melancholy rolling off him in waves with every heart breaking, shuddering breath he took told a story deeper than their relationship.

Regardless of the reason, Steve couldn’t stand to see his boyfriend in such a state without doing something.

Crouching down to put an arm around him, Steve tried to be as comforting as he could muster. “Hey… hey, it’s okay. Everything will be fine.”

He could feel every intake of breath shaking his body. It felt uncomfortable, and Steve wished he could take that away from him.

It sent a shock through him when Bucky’s left arm was pulled tighter into him. It was solid, as usual, except this time Steve knew exactly why it was like that. It made him slightly uncomfortable, to know that there was metal under there instead of flesh. Metal that he knew had done… terrible things.

Eventually, the sobs began to slow. Steve didn’t know exactly what had caused them – but he did know that none of this would be any good.

His mom had disappeared at some point during that time. Steve was grateful – it meant that she wouldn’t be around if the fallout from this was bad.

Steve wanted to say something, to get some answers about what was going on. How to word any of that though? How to ask about something as important as all this without it sounding clunky.

“I’m sorry.”

Bucky’s voice was croaky, thick with tears. Steve’s heart seized – he couldn’t take seeing his boyfriend like this.

“It’s okay.” The words came out fast, on instinct.

Bucky shook his head slowly. “It’s not… I wish I could have told you, I really do. But I mean…” He waved a hand at the tv screen, still frozen on his own scowling, dirty face. “Would you have believed me? I didn’t want anyone to know, and now everyone does.”

Steve cocked his head to the side. It brought him slightly closer to Bucky, and surprisingly it didn’t make him feel as uncomfortable as he thought it might do. Even though he knew in theory that he was sat next to a killer, it didn’t feel like it was any different to any other time he’d sat next to his boyfriend.

Maybe it was because they were so accustomed to superheroes in this day and age. They knew these people had killed plenty before even meeting them; it didn’t feel that weird. Not when they were supposed to have only killed those that deserved it.

(For a second, Steve realized he should probably have paid some attention when Bucky’s history was being talked about on the tv. On the other hand, it would probably be better to hear about it from the horse’s mouth. The information available to the news was often incorrect and exaggerated anyway.)

“It’s not the end of the world… everyone knows who Iron man is, and he’s just fine, right?” Steve tried to find the most positive spin he could.

“He hasn’t done what I have.” Bucky’s rebuttal was leaden and dark.

“Worse than selling weapons of mass destruction?” Steve asked incredulously.

Bucky’s nod was jerky.

The few snippets he’d heard on the news came back to him at this moment. Something about him being a prisoner of war.

It seemed dark.

He took a deep breath. “Wanna talk about it?”

Bucky was quiet for long enough that Steve began to worry that he’d overstepped the boundaries. They’d only been together for a few months, and it was fair if Bucky didn’t want to tell him about that, and – “Okay.”

As Bucky explained what he’d been through, Steve found himself unable to believe his ears. Not because he believed his boyfriend was lying to him, but just the unworldliness of the story he was being told. It wasn’t the strangest thing he’d ever heard – one of the Avengers was a literal god, after all – but to hear about the torture he’d received after getting lost in the Alps? It was so far removed from Steve’s life experience that it didn’t seem like it could be real.

He sort of didn’t know what to do – but the only thing he could think to do was tell Bucky that it was okay, that he hadn’t chosen to do any of it, that it didn’t matter to him. And that was true – it wasn’t like Bucky had chosen to live that life.

“I’m sorry…” Bucky concluded with that, his voice sad. “I’ll understand if you want me to leave, I know I’ve already ruined your day.”

Steve blinked. “Buck, you haven’t ruined anything.”

Bucky looked up at him, eyes watery. He looked the furthest thing from a killer, from someone capable of doing the things he’d just been describing. “Are you sure?” He sniffled.

“I’m sure.”

“You mean you… you don’t hate me for lying to you?” Bucky sounded utterly surprised, and Steve felt bad that he had ever thought that his reaction had meant that he hated him. All things considered, Steve could understand why he might think that – but that didn’t make it true.

Steve shook his head. “I understand why.”

Bucky practically collapsed onto his lap with the force of his relief. The only thing holding him back, Steve thought, was that even in this state Bucky knew he couldn’t put his full weight on him. “Thank you.” He whispered, and yet his words held immense amounts of weight.

They sat together for a while longer, becoming comfortable in one another’s’ presence once again. It didn’t take very long, if Steve was being honest – he couldn’t have stayed uncomfortable around Bucky for long if he tried.

Somehow, Christmas managed to be salvaged even after all of that.

While he and Bucky talked everything out, his mom had been quietly reheating everything and setting the table. They managed to have a normal meal after all, with all of the things Steve had been imagining ever since he knew that Bucky would be joining them – mostly involving his mom and Bucky already thick and thieves and ganging up on Steve.

This new knowledge didn’t seem to put a damper on things much at all, in fact – aside from its beginning, Steve couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas day.

******

The only thing that was able to assuage Steve's anxiety was the return of Bucky's team to the tower.

He'd been here all afternoon, from the moment he'd got out of class and seen Bucky's text that he was going to have to cancel their lunch plans to go on a quick mission. Even though it had become sort of routine by this point, Steve never felt entirely comfortable with knowing his boyfriend could die until he knew for sure that he was safe.

Jarvis had told them about an hour before that those on the mission were on their way back, but he'd kept quiet on the details - given how short it had been, Steve was sure that everyone was probably fine, but it was so hard to tell sometimes.

Still, it made it easier for him that Bucky had got him unlimited access to the tower. (Part of it had been because he had a floor to himself here that Steve loved to use - if he thought that Bucky's apartment was big, then what he had here was a million times better.) Even though it had been a hassle for Bucky to convince tony that Steve was worth allowing into his home, it had been worth doing - that extra half an hour it would take Bucky to make it to his was a half hour Steve could spend convincing himself that his boyfriend was unharmed. (Or, on occasion, staying by his side in the med bay. whatever was necessary.)

The sound of the elevator making its way up to the floor he was on made him jump. it made him glad that he was the only one waiting - everyone else was either on the mission too, or off doing something else. It was pretty common for several people to wait here in the common area for those out to get back - but today was not one of those days, not when the mission was so inconsequential.

His knee’s bouncing only intensified as he waited even more. the levels of anticipation rose - even though it had only been a day or two since he'd last seen Bucky, knowing that he might be injured only made him more eager to see him.

The moment those elevator doors opened, he jumped up. Bucky wasn't the first one out the elevator - that was Natasha. She gave him a smirk on her way out - it gave him confidence that everything had gone alright; she wouldn't be acting that way if it hadn't.

Then came Spiderman, who for some reason was only just pulling his mask off.

"Hey man!" Peter exclaimed the moment he spotted Steve. "You waited for us? That's so nice!" He ruffled his own hair a little, making it stick up slightly with dried sweat. Gross.

"I didn't wait for you, idiot." Steve rolled his eyes. he would never have guessed that Peter was Spiderman - the man did a good job of hiding his identity. It didn't help his anxiety though, knowing that so many of his friends were part of this club. Sometimes he felt like telling them to slow down on all the death-defying action for fear it would hurt his already-weak heart.

Peter shot him a wink. "Yeah, but you did a little bit." Okay, so maybe that was true, but he wasn't going to admit it.

Then, distracting him from all else, a third figure came out of the elevator. He'd been leaning against its wall before - Steve had got a glimpse of him past Peter - but Bucky was very good at concealing himself.

Peter seemed to noticed that he wasn't needed anymore, and took off, probably to the kitchen. No doubt his own boyfriend would be around soon (Wade could be weirdly protective sometimes) and Steve didn't feel all that bad about leaving him to his own devices.

Scanning his boyfriend over for injuries, Steve held him at arms' length for a few seconds before deeming him to be alright. Bucky put up with this with a wry smile - he'd accepted pretty much right from the start that yeah, Steve was allowed to do what he needed to reassure himself that nothing had gone wrong. Especially in the intervening months since he'd found out, when things had gone wrong, it had become a matter of comfort for them both, in a way. Bucky knew that even now his threshold for what was considered to be a 'normal' amount of injured was far above what Steve would allow. It helped both of them feel better about their situation.

Wrapping his arms around Bucky's waist, Steve pressed his face into Bucky's chest. It didn't smell great, but he didn't care - this was much more important to him right now.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Steve muttered into Bucky’s uniform.

Bucky chuckled, pulling Steve into him. His metal arm was exposed, as it usually was when he was out on mission, and the cold from it bled through Steve’s shirt and made him shiver. It wasn’t always cold, but when the weather outside was cold, it usually affected the whole arm. “Well, I had to get back to my best guy.”

Steve snorted. Ever since he’d become privy to the secret of how old his boyfriend was, he hadn’t stopped using as much old, cheesy slang as he could get away with. He could have said that it was beginning to get on his nerves… but then that would have been a lie. “Of course you did.”

“I did.”

Bucky’s tone was suddenly so solemn that it made Steve look up at him.

It might have been cheesy, but Steve knew that, even with all his missions and whatever else might befall him, Bucky would always come back to him. In this life and the next.

Always.


End file.
